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If you don't send me feedback, I will sob uncontrollably for hours on end, until finally, in a fit of depression, I slash my wrists and bleed out on the bathroom floor. My death will be on your heads. Murderers.
I'm willing to accept vampires and mutants and aliens and gay chocolate milk giving cows, but human males do not get pregnant and they do not give birth!
That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, "We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex..."
"Pay-off for seedy ex-doctor to sew up bullet hole in your Krypto-Mutant Witness... one brown bag (containing an undetermined number of unmarked, non-sequentially numbered $100 bills, peyote, or both)"
Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
Is there anything that says, "Yes, I am a virgin, and all my beta-readers are, too," like...boiling ejaculate? Hot, scalding sperm? Burning seminal fluid?
...let's face it, with all that's happened to him this season, it's a wonder he's not spending every evening out behind the castle, drinking Night Train and shooting at squirrels..."
"Welcome to ClarkLex. This is the list for people who watch Smallville mainly 'cause it's gay as a picnic basket. Yes, Smallville, starring Clark "Gayer than a leather pinata" Kent and Lex "Gay as Christmas at Bloomingdale's" Luthor, as two gay homosexuals who love each other, and did we mention they're gay?"
"Wait... wait... are you saying you're an alien?"
"I mean, it's not every day that you get to come out as an alien. And gay. A big, gay alien."
So, you're going to get Clark the girl of his dreams, since that's less morally suspect than giving
him a truck. You're like the Make A Wish Foundation gone terribly, terribly wrong."
"It's not like we're trading blowjobs for chicken nuggets here."
"I was poisoned, Lex. Semen is the only antidote."
"I did NOT fund research into the animation of dessert foods!"
"Clark, we're in a ditch with a stalled engine and two flat tires. In the *snow*. How could it be worse?"
There's just something about a man who's seven months pregnant and wearing a pair of custom made overalls and a white t-shirt with a nursing bra underneath.
The catering idea, of course, had been nixed almost immediately. Jor-El said that there was a great deal of feasting and partying on the day of the Dorzin Marjin, but that was Krypton, this was Kansas. Lex couldn't see this as a crudite and caviar on toast points event, even in Smallville. Though he did order a few bottles of good champagne, just because it seemed the thing to do; the odds seemed pretty high that someone in the Kent house would have to be drunk at some point, either in the before, the during, or the after. Virgin ass at seven, cocktails at eight, and homemade muffins for breakfast seemed very civilized and keeping in the spirit of the whole ass hymen ritual.
ficlets, wips, and drafts
Something Like Forgetting 1
i loved rosetta -- 2003-02-25
I'm having a nervous breakdown. LJ wn't work for me. BASTARDS! BASTARDS!
The producers are BIG FAT LIARS.
Just so you know. Low snark. I'm still very tired.
Clakr is flying in the middle of a cave. Already, I'm not happy. LIARS! LIARS! YOU PROMSIED ME NO FLYING! *sniffs* Anyway. He has the key. Staring at that special hole, he takes a deep breath, fondling the metal carefuly before slowly inserting it within the snug confines….hmm. Porny, isn't it? Sadly, this is the closest thing to sex there is on the show.
I'm going to hell.
Clark waits for soemthing to happen, then seems to realize that movement is necessary. Ah ha! One finger stickingout, Clark pushes the disk inside and begins to glow…..
….only to wake up in the middle of the road.
He's in pajamas. He's hot in pajamas. Dear God. They give us a long, long view of pajamas, panning out so we get the whole package. This is very good for me. As he sits up, confused, we see headlights. Normally, I'd say, a car is coming, but this is Smallville so it could be an alien shuttle. Anything could happen. So, reserving judgement, I watch Clark shake like a cute puppy, trying ot figure out how he got from cave-flying to asphalt stretching. It is a car. And if my eye is accurate, an expensive car. Now officially close enough for a person to hear.
True to form, Clark continues blank looks around, because obviously, if he just looks enough, it'll turn into his bedroom. Car. Clark. Car. Clark. I'm getting bored. Before a more intimate introduction can commence, the car's brakes jam on, and man, that's some seriously good control, as Clark turns, eyes like a deer in headlights, the car stops about an inch from one flawless cheekbone.
Someone gets out. I'm gonna give everyone a second to guess.
It's Lex, of course. Because this is Smallville and some things are meant to be. One of them is Clark and Lex meeting on roads due to near death possible accidents.
"What are you doing here, Clark?"
And Clark, oddly enough, just doesn't have a good reason for this. Hmmm.
And come morning….
Clark tells his parents about the bizarrity of his life to date, which really, compared to the heat vision and the invulnerability? I'm not seeing a big deal. Jonathan is disturbed that Lex found Clark, possibly due to the pajama thing, and I have to agree, Clark in pajamas is a sex crime waiting to happen. Mmmm. Clark tells them about multiple dreams of lfying over Smallville and ending up in cave, apparently coming to in strange places. He wants answers, dammit! And don't we all. Boxers or briefs?
Why are you so afraid to let me find out? cries Clark, mopily, and you know, babe, this is kind of an obvious question, but hey. I'll let you slide. Clark mopes off to school.
Flash to Lex's office, where His Sexiness is being himself, which is enough for me. Doctor guy comes in snarky. He wants to remove section of wall, we discover from a seriously unhappy Lex. The historical commission whatevercakes might remove his custodial rights, and his dad's behind it. Lionel's behind everything, I swear. He's going to turn up as Jor-El, I swear. He needs to study, scientist guy whines. Lex gives him three days.
At school, the theme is genealogy. Wow, what a surprise. They all discuss their family trees and Chloe says the Rosses have been around Smallville forever. After Pete leaves, the three with the non-traditonal nuclear family chat, until a dog whistle makes Clark grab for his head.
Okay, it's NOT a dog whistle, but it sure as hell sounds like one, and that would REALLy explain a lot. Chloe and Lana are worried. Clark says he's going home.
He apparently follows the dog whistle to barn. Opening up his dad's tool box, the key is glowing. But when he touches it, it stops! Clark gets that really cute determined look. Like when he wanted to play football.
In the cave, Clark makes several faces that make me wonder if he's getting some kind of alien indigestion. Decision time. Do it or don't? Do it or don't. He stares and ponders. I yawn. Holding up key, he seems to think he might, when the key, seeing it's soulmate, throws itself across the room, imbedding itself in the wall!
I'll keep my comments on THAT to myself.
Oooh. Glowy things! Cirlces of light! Supermn symbol. You know, the chest one? No, I'm not joking, Cheese Anvil From Hell. I'm still giggling when Clark gets hit with a long, pulsing rod of light and starts shaking--stop it! I'm serious!--and for a second, it's kinda like Highlander, but no sword. Clark seems to think this is pretty good, as he is floating, and we all know what floating REALLY means. White out.
Clark is woken up, and you only get one guess this time.
Right. Lex. Lex looks really worried. Asks what happened, if Clark is okay, generally solicitious friend. Lex says the security heard an explosion and what happened down here? Scientist guy, breaking up the moment with a real lack of Clexy sensitivity, snipes to wonder how Clark gets by the guard. Okay, Clakr? Why are you fast forwarding by someone who has permission to let you in anyway? Lex tells the man to back off. Meanly. Says Clakr needs air. To go to hospital. That he's worried. And he even means it. He also says, don't come down here again by yourself.
Doctor guy, still not getting it, asks about Lex's fascination with Clark. Obviously, he's never seen Clark in pajamas in the middle of the night. Poor man. Lex tells him, basically, to mind his own business and he'll worry about Clark Kent. Significantly.
In the Torch office Lana decides to chart Potters and Chloe lets her use her computer. While signing in, she sees a folder and for some reason, clicks on it. It's those damn prom pictures. Chloe catches her and Lana apologizes, but that's so not enough, not for a professional dirt-digger. Oh no. Chloe bans Lana from the office. Chloe tells Lana about the whole sick-Clark-feelings-wrong-name thing from last week. Violins play in the background.
Clark and Jonathan are on the farm, doing very manly loading of the old pick up truck with some bails of hay. I really need to know what season we're in, and by that, I mean, winter, fall, season, summer? And I've been meaning to ask, when did they get that truck? And how did they get that truck? They discuss Martha's pregnancy thing. Jonathan does some comforting platitutes about how Clark's a part of the family even with a new baby, lalala, then says glad things are back to normal.
Stupidest. Thing. Ever. To. Say. In . Smallville. Seriously.
Wow, Martha NOW looks pregnant. Huh. How much time has passed since the last ep anyway? A MONTH?
Oh! Another headache thingie! Heatvision starts uncontrollably on barn wall. Hee. Sorry. I'm remembering Heat for no particular reason. Jonathan and Martha catch on to something wrong and when the heat thing stops, Clark grabs for the hose and puts the fire out In a bit of brilliant timing, Chloe shows up, staring at the Manly Men putting out the fire. She takes a picture while the camera pans down the line of them to Clark. I can see where this is going, so…
My god, bizarre cave symbol! I am so shocked. Clark says, it means hope. To the surprise of all of us, apparently, that light of joy is actually a nifty download device and I WANT ONE NOW. But anyway. Clark thinks the key disintegrated. I start laughing when he says that. He and his parents argue. It's kind of boring,.
In the Talon, Clark seems to be working on his genealogy assignment.
Lana sits down with him and they chat. Lana tells Clark she fought with Chloe about privacy. Clark assumed Chleo snooped wih Lana. See, that would be my first thought too. Lana makes it all about her not being family instead of privacy, which annoys me, since I was sort of on her side for this one. Clark says, I know what you mean, and he mopes. Clark says, I've been looking into my roots and its freaking my parents out.
Yes, but your roots lead back a few thousand light years and stuff. Okay? Not a good comparison thing going on here.
Lana notes Clark is doing bizarre things with his paper. Clark looks down, kind of blanks out, then crumples up paper and throws it away. As he turns away, Lex says hi, that they should talk, but Clark bangs on by, and Lex looks after him with a curious expression. If one were suspicious, one might say crafty. Which I am. Hee.
Turnign to Lana, Lex says that they've both been abandoned. Awww. Bonding with the underaged partner. Lana says, story of my life. After she leaves, Lex retrieves the paper. And yeah, I saw that coming.
Digression: I do get Clark wanting to keep his secrets and being mad when people seem to pry. But you know? There's also being REALLY STUPID AND LEAVING CLUES AROUND.
Lesx is looking over that paper in his office, slick in black, when Doctor Guy shows up. It turns out that those symbols are all now aligned to mom, dad, etc. Smooth move, Clark. Would you like to show people how you can flambeau a chicken now when a pretty girl smiles at you? Doctor scoffs, because right, he's done such a bang up job so far. Lex shows the doctor the thing in the paper about the barn. Yeah, Clark, honey? You're doomed. Lex calls Clark the Rosetta stone. I wonder if he calls him that in bed too?
Chloe is copying things out of books. Clark comes in and is unhappy about the thing in newspaper. Chloe very logically points out it IS news. Clark still frowning. Tries to play peacemaker between Lana and Chloe. Stupid move. Oh well. He's pretty anyway.
In her email, Chloe finds a ton email fromsomeone named Sam for Clark. He knows the symbol means hope. Okay, again. Secrets? Dear God. How many people are going to get suspicious in one day?
Pete and Clark in barn with laptop, the better to escape Chloe's curious eye. Clark answers email but hesitates. Do it do ti do it do it do it. Then he hits it--he has to know. AIM is being used! Er, I think that's AIM. Instnat message, anyway. A picture appears. Great, more symbols. I wish if we have to look at these, they'd teach US what they mean, at least. The note says: If you can read this I have the answers you are looking for. It says, I'm a friend, in Kryptonian symbols.
*sighs* Teach me Kryptonian already.
Doctor looking over caves, loking for something with a Super Big Flashlight. He finds something. No! The spaceship key imbedded in the wall! No! It DIDN'T disintegrate? You're kidding me. You mean, an important thing like that? I could swear Clark checked that entire cave to make sure…oh, right, he didn't. He just said tha twith no evidence. Never mind.
Remember what I said about secrets?
Doctor guy immediately latches on to the entire key is meant to be with octogon, so I don't get why he doesn't get the Clex. He puts it in. The lights/swirl/pretty happens again, we've seen it before. He smiles as the beam hits him--and knocks him out. Instead of bringing glorious glorious spurts of--information. Clark comes in, amazingly enough and asks if Doctor is alright. You know? From that look? I’m thinkingn not. Seeing key, he takes it. And think how much easier this would have been if you'd looked THE FIRST TIME.
Right, moving on.
Doctor lays with eerie, cataract-white eyes in the hospital, while Lex and Clark observe from outside the window. Lex says he's completely catatonic. Lex says they don't know if he'l be okay without knowing the cause. Lex says, how odd, three weird things, nad you're at all of them. I don't fault his logic, except in Smallville? Kind of everyone is at everything weird usually. But yeah. See secrets thing. Lex asks about the language. Clark asks why he's so interested. Lex thinks it's an alien thing. Clark, in another of those monumentally future-stupid moves mocks him. Right on cue, Clark gets a package from some courier guy. Clark takes it. Lex asks if he's going to open it.
Okay, here's the moment I gave up on Clark.
"Oh, it's probably junkmail."
You, my friend, are going to be in a lab. Not because I want you there. Because you are too stupid to live free. Just. Too stupid to live free. Without someone to watch out for you.
In the envelope, Clark gets a card, another DAMNED SYMBOL, and a place to go. Great.
Using Search Engine!Chloe, Clark gets the relevant details. Genius, billionaire recluse (mmm, no wait, not Lex, damn), goes by Swann, wow, this is a shock. They all are, you know. Chloe asks why would he be interested in you? Clark seems to attract genius billionaires. It's a gift, I think. Clark says, oh, he's interested in the barn. *buries head in hands* Learn to lie, Clark. Please. For my sanity. Chloe doesn't stop looking curious.
The day she and Lex and Lana compare notes, Clark is fucked.
In purely metaphorical terms of course.
Lex watches Doctor guy lay there. Reaaaaally fascinating stuff.. Seizure, doctor says.. Information overload, in other words. Doubful he'll ever regain consciousness. Poor, poor doctor. See, Clark? This is what happens when you leave your toys for others to find!
Lex looks down at Doctor guy and says that one day, he'll know what the doctor knows. I'm pretty sure my first instinct is not to wonder if Lex is going to start dissection procedure to get to his brain.
Chloe comes to talk to Lana in her room, where Lana seems to be packing. Chloe apologizes to Lana for overreacting. Lana syas she can't help the way Clark feels about her. Chloe shows her genealogy thing. Sister, Lana Lang. Wow, these people and their--family feelings. Like Lucas and Lex, and Clark and Lex, and Lex and Lionel, and Key and octogon square--oh, not that part. Chloe says the family thing is about people who love her.
Jonathan is suspicious of this Swann fellow. Parnaoid, Clark says, but um. You find this new? Really? This is seriously reminding me of Hothead. Clark MUST know his past! Now! Danger be damned! Must know! Must! Jonathan says they'll go as a family. Clark says he has to go alone, and I still don't get why exactly. Because you know, finding out origins? That's totally a family moment. Martha looks sad. No matter what he finds out, it won't change how he feels about them, he says, cutely. Group hug.
Clark at the place. Lots of globe-type things lying about, bookcases, stuff. Lots of stuff. Clark gets the cold feet and asks what he's doing here. I am completely unshocked to get an answer. "Looking for answers." Mm. Cliche moment. Clark goes thorugh maze of stuff and sees Dr. Swann. Christopher Reeve. Superman. Yay!
They chat. For awhile. About stuff
A screen comes on. Symobls. Great. Does it look familiar, the scientists asks. Scarily, I think by now I can read it. Or should be able to. For some reason, Clark can't. Um, why? Thirteen years ago, Swann picked up a faint signal. It tookyears to decrypt it. A mathematical key was necessary. Weird lighting on Clark's face for a bit, like he's wearing a LOT of foundation.
This is Kal-El of Krypton, our infant son, our last hope. Please protect him and deliver him from evil.
Doctor is just seeking thruth. What is with that make-up on Clark's face, or is this some bizarre homage to the movie that I can't remmeber? Clark says he's not Kal-el, but not directly, because well, that would be obvious and easy. Doctor says, if you leave, you can't come back. Doctor asys, if you leave, you'll never know the second part of the message.
Bastard. COOL bastard!
Clark asks, why are you doing this to me.
They talk talk talk, MORE DAMN SYMBOLS. I have a headache. Next statement.
Wel'll be with you, kal-el, all the days of your life.
Well. That was important enough to give up your secret for.
There was only one message, doctor says. Platitude time. Wrie own destiny, Kal-El, blah blah blah.
We're getting to the reason this episode just entered jenn's Top Ten List.
Clark communes with spaceship in cellar. Weird sound, then dad comes down to the cellar. He loks sad. If you need to talk, w'ere always here, dad says.
Clark says, he knows now there aren't any like him, he's totally alone.
Jontahn says he's never alone. Awww. This is your home. Awww! Let's go back up, Jonathan says.
In a minute, says Clark, staring at ship. Clark says, I figued out what the thing is, the ship's heart. He says, he didn't want to use it alone. Let's forget Martha and do it together, Jonathan says. No, wait. They didn't say that, just did it. My bad. Clark puts the key in. The ship lifts off and they look inside. It's blue and boring. Clark takes the ship's heart and puts it in. It goes dark. Symbols. Yay. Because these are just so interesting. Really. Clark reads them. Message from his dad.
Says, on this third palent, rule them, basically.
Oh God YES. He was sent here to conquer. CONQUER! YIPPEE! YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE!
Okay, sorry. But seriously. COOL. Clark can't EVER tell this to ANYONE. EVER. I wonder if he'll tell Pete. I wonder HOW he'll tell if he does.
Clark freaks out! What kind of planet am I *from*, he says. Apparently, one who thinks we aren't that great.
Jonathan, sensing imminent breakdown or worrying that the football thing will be used against him when Clark brings the revolution, hugs his son and says I AM YOUR FATHER!
No, really! He really did! Very much like Vader.
Clark calms down, head holding. Clark still loks freaked.
Jonathan looks worried too!
And I'd like to be the first to welcome our new Kryptonian overlord and promise fealty, the second he starts conquering. I have the boots ready.
email-- 10:23 p.m.
The only size six Michael Rosenbaum is getting into is the one on his date. - by Hope
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